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What Ifs

January 09, 2012 / By Psych Babbler / 0 Comments / 623 Views

 

How many of us live our lives wondering about the ‘what ifs’? Let me explain.

‘What if’ is a common form of thinking in people with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. However, it is also common for most of us who have a predisposition to worrying. It is an unhelpful style of thinking also sometimes known as ‘catastrophising’. And more often than not, it’s when we worry about things we have no control over or things whose outcomes we cannot predict. So for example, just some worries people have may be “What if I don’t pass my exams?” or “What if my relationship with this person doesn’t work out?” or worse still “What if I die alone?”

Personally, I am responsible for having a lot of ‘what ifs’ going on. Yes, even though I am a psychologist attempting to treat people for the same! [The ironies of life!] And these ‘what ifs’ are exhausting. While I am not doing it as much as I used to, it can hit me hard in phases. The problem with most of these ‘what ifs’ is that as we have no control over them and can’t predict them, we really don’t know what’s going to happen. And as a result you can find yourself going around in circles stewing over this concern of yours with no actual answer at hand.

So how useful are these ‘what ifs’?

Some people believe that if they worry about something, they are likely to come up with back up plans should something go wrong. This kind of reasoning probably stems from us being able to come up with back-up plans for minor setbacks. For instance, we easily come up with Plan B should it rain on the day of your outdoor wedding. But the flip side of this working out is that we end up really and truly believing we can do this for everything. But honestly, we can’t! So, what if your relationship doesn’t work out? Well, if you have back-up plans from the start, chances are the relationship won’t work out because you are so worried and busy planning for its end! And how can one be sure of the back-up plans anyway?? Especially in situations that have to do with relationships or jobs or even the death of a loved one.

A ‘what if’ that offers no comfort whatsoever would have to be “What if (insert name of loved one) dies?” I see this kind of thinking a lot in children with separation anxiety. They have a fear of losing a loved one. Now most of us probably have that fear but the fact that we don’t dwell on it every single waking moment just goes to show we are human. It becomes a problem when it continues like a broken record. For a ‘what if’ of this kind, there is no back-up plan. What can you do? Stop someone from dying? Think by worrying that they might die they will not die?

So how in the world do we get past these ‘what ifs’? How do we deal with them?

Basically, we need to ask ourselves: Is this kind of thinking helping me? If you are finding it helpful (which I highly doubt) well, there’s nothing stopping you then. Continue thinking that way! However, if not, you need to make a choice. Accept that uncertainty is part of life. And that thinking this way is not going to change anything or even help find solutions. Rather, we will need to actually experience things to find out if what we were catastrophising about will in fact happen. So, what if your relationship ends? Well, it may will suck. It will hurt. Initially. You might not find love ever again. Or you might find other hobbies or interests you never thought of before. You might move to another country. You might travel. You might find someone.

I guess all I am trying to say with this example is that your ‘what ifs’ amount to nothing. If the ‘what if’ does occur, well, who is to say it is a catastrophe? Who is to say it is the end of the world? Even if it really, really sucks initially, life can still go on. However, some of us spend so much time agonising over the ‘what ifs’ we forget to live. We forget to savour the moment as we are so focused on the future. Like for instance, if we are constantly worried about a loved one dying, we are not actually cherishing the moments lived with them!

I know it’s easier said than done. Trust me, like I said, I struggle with it occasionally myself. I let my mind take control and get caught in the ‘what if’ loop tape it plays. But if we are aware of when this is occurring and remind ourselves that our mind is going on overdrive and that we can never be certain of anything the future holds, we just might be able to accept that uncertainty.

It takes time. And effort. And possibly just being okay with whatever happens. After all, if we look back at our lives, I’m sure we have all learnt something even during our darkest periods when we may have thought we’d never see the light of day! So who is to say that any of the things we are currently catastrophising about may not teach us a lesson?

So, what if we tried to take each day and each moment as it comes?

What if we decided to go with the flow?

What if stop letting our minds control us?

What if we accept that that nothing in life is predictable?

What if we decide to just live?

We just might be a bit more at peace.

Psych Babbler About the author

A twenty-something Aussie of Indian ethnicity from Sydney who is a psychologist by profession. “Psych Babbler” as she likes to call herself is a passionate blogger with her forte being psychology, mental health and feminism. A bibliophile. An introvert. A perfectionist. A foodie. Loves the beach. Loves blogging and writing. Loves cricket (especially Adam Gilchrist!). Blogs at her personal blog Over Cups of Coffee and a book review blog, Bond with Books.

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